Immovable irony vs. unstoppable sincerity
NEW MUSIC FOR OLDS #82
Hello, dear reader. Lots in store for you in today’s internationally recognized (and recognizing) edition of NEW MUSIC FOR OLDS. But first, let me get a bit more comfortable.
On the agenda today:
Overstuffed concept rock
Jittery goth-pop allusions
The return of Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man
Plus, NMFO’s first annual Barely-Gives-A-Shit Guide to Eurovision 2025!
Let us begin!
GOOD STUFF
I got you this Glossary of Terms.
Seat Headrest, “Equals”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: The Scholars
Nutshell: Neo classic rock, I suppose?
Voltage: 6
Thoughts: The Scholars is being talked up as a rock opera. And yeah, I there’s some very intricate storyline involving the students and faculty of some fictional university. But after combing through the lyrics and even resorting to Wikipedia, I can’t honestly say I give a shit. Luckily, there are so many interesting musical ideas packed into each song, it’s easy to disregard the “story”. And that’s not to say that the lyrics aren’t worthy of attention—while I don’t really understand/care how “Equals” fits into songwriter Will Toledo’s grand narrative, it’s still a thoughtful meditation on how we relate to peers who’ve been (gasp!) “cancelled”. It’s also got a big, rollicking chorus. The Scholars is overstuffed, but its rewards are substantial.
Pairing Suggestion: Taking what you need, ignoring what you don’t
Preoccupations, “Andromeda”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: Ill at Ease
Nutshell: Dark Wave
Voltage: 6
Thoughts: Do you enjoy Joy Division? Psychedelic Furs? Dare I say…A Flock of Seagulls? Well then there’s a more-than-likely chance you will quite enjoy Ill at Ease, the latest album by Calgary’s Preoccupations. There are hooks galore and melodic bass lines worthy of Peter Hook or Simon Gallup. I’m probably doing Preoccupations a disservice, making them sound like some sort sound like nothing more than a Goth-pop cover band. What can I say, they have that romantic-but-jittery sound that would fit snugly into an early episode of “120 Minutes”, sandwiched between The Church and Peter Murphy. Also, if anyone wants to invite me to go see a Goth-pop cover band, my calendar is wide open!
Pairing Suggestion: Eyes closed, swaying in a vaguely rhythmic fashion,
Suzanne Vega, “Alley”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: Flying With Angels
Nutshell: Folk
Voltage: 4
Thoughts: A quick search of the NMFO archives tells me that I’ve never written about my decades-long admiration of NYC folk icon Suzanne Vega. I freely accept that, to the general public, she’ll always be known as “Luka”—or, barring that, the “doot-doot-doo-doo-doot-duh-doo-doo” lady. But anyone who has dug deeper into Vega’s catalogue knows it to be rich and nuanced, anchored by inventive production and tasteful studio musicianship. “Alley” sounds like it was pulled directly from 1990’s Days of Open Hand, a landmark moment in my high school transformation from “unconvincing metalhead” to “unconvincing poet”.
Pairing Suggestion: Thinking only the very deepest thoughts
Drumroll, please.
Questions? Comments? Air fryer recipes?
SOME BULLSHIT
Back in May 2010, I spent a month touring Western Australia, as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival “Road Show”. Proof, you ask?
Somewhere along the line, my Aussie and British tour-mates began flitting with excitement over something called “Eurovision”. I didn’t quite get it, but I nonetheless showed up to our tour manager’s hotel room at 2am Australian Western Standard Time to watch the live broadcast. I had the same “HOLY SHIT” reaction most people experience upon their first exposure to this silliness. The costumes! The staging! Immovable irony versus unstoppable sincerity! Lots of people asndf things are described as “a lot”, but nothing is quite as “a lot” as Eurovision.
Once back in the States, I tried telling people about this bizarre signing competition I’d witnessed, but it felt like I was describing an elaborate dream I’d had while in a coma. “There was one guy…playing a glockenspiel while riding a skateboard…and a Maltese lady with giant tits and a fauxhawk…and a bunch of breakdancers wearing jewel-encrusted codpieces…no wait, you’ve gotta believe me!!”
As YouTube matured and streaming took off, Eurovision finally became a “thing” in America. But the novelty had begun to wear off and by the time Will Ferrell made his “sure, whatever” movie, I’d mostly lost interest.
Whoa, hold up. Am I pulling a “I was into them before they got popular” about the Eurovision fucking Song Contest? Is that even allowed? Guess I’m too cool for all the lame shit you normies are into. DEAL WITH IT.
[Voice of my ex-therapist: Wait, so are too cool or aren’t you? It seems like you’re trying to have it both ways.]
CLAM IT, STEVEN!
Where were we? Oh right. Look, from an international diplomacy standpoint, the existence of Eurovision is an triumph. And on a personal level, I will evangelize about anything that gets kids excited about the arts—the singers, sure, but also the budding costumers and choreographers and set designers. Eurovison is likely the world’s largest expenditure of creative energy, and that’s worth something. The fact that it’s comedy turkey shoot is just an added bonus!
Eurovision performances fall into three baskets:
Generalized calls for love, understanding and/or world peace
Royalty-free techno with balalaikas or some shit
Novelty acts destined to become Larry “Bud” Melmans in their home countries
Eventually, the baskets start to spill over and the entire program is rendered into a colorful but oddly flavorless mush. Not gonna lie—this was a grueling watch. If I had it all to do over again, would I have endured Peacock’s shitty interface long enough to plow through thirty-seven performances, plus filler? Well sure, maybe. But I’d hate myself for it.
[Voice of my ex-therapist: Would that not be the point?]
STEVEN! ENOUGH!
Anyway…Eurovision: something I care about deeply and is in no way a form of self-abuse. My point is, I understand that you may have only a cursory interest in this nonsense. Like, you probably know enough to chuckle at a Kimmel monologue joke—maybe you even watched the dumb movie. But it’s not as if you’re actually going to sit down and watch the damn thing.
Friend, am I describing you? Well, then New Music for Olds is proud to present…
THE BARELY-GIVE-A-SHIT GUIDE TO EUROVISION 2025!
Rather than link to a bunch of performances you’re never going to watch in full, I will simply annotate this compilation of brief clips pulled from dress rehearsal. I will also note whether each made it through to the finals, or if they’re headed home to shame and ridicule (sorry, Cyprus and Belgium).
NOTE: Most of Eurovision’s financial backing comes from the “Big Five”: France, Germany, Spain, Italy and Great Britain. So those countries get an automatic pass, along with last year’s winner (in this case, Switzerland).
Alright, let’s do this. Follow along!
Right up top, I have no idea who this presenter is—he was nowhere to be found on the Peacock livestream. But we can all agree that he is objectively terrifying looking. Guy looks like he escaped a Sephora black site. Just a headfirst dive into the Uncanny Valley. Okay, moving on…
Iceland (yup) — Why am I watching Icelandic Kriss Kross? Sorry kids, you’re no Daði Freyr.
Poland (yup) — I guess Game of Thrones made it to Poland a few years late? Weak sauce overall, but extras points for the aerialist shit.
Slovenia (nope) — “Praise music”, mixed with an erectile dysfunction ad.
Estonia (yup) — One of them novelty acts I was talking about. The dude has comedic timing and some goofy dance moves, but what the fuck even is this song? I was going to call it the Baltic “Ghangam Style”, but I would never do Psy dirty like that.
Spain (big five) — I once went to a wedding where the bride’s dress showed roughly this amount of cleavage. You will be shocked to learn that the marriage didn’t last.
Ukraine (yup) — Ok, I’ve changed my mind. Have at it, Putin.
Sweden (yup) — I figured these smarmy dorks were going through, given that they’re featured on the Peacock splash page. They’re probably going to win. I fucking hate it so much.
Portugal (yup) — Clearly, I have no idea what the typical Eurovision voter values. I mean…this very clearly sucks, right? A bunch of pantomiming Old Navy models, with a singer who sounds like Shy Ronnie? People actually want this??
Norway (yup) — I knew it was only a matter of time before we got some chainmail. That’ll do, twink. That’ll do.
Belgium (nope) — I thought this kid was a lock for sure! It’s one of the few melodies that (sort of) stayed in my head. I guess the world isn’t ready for Adam Lambert as a member of House Harkkonnen.
Italy (big five) — Dear god, someone dug up Mick Ronson. Italy, this is your submission? For real?? Really resting on those Big Five laurels, aren’t we?
Azerbaijan (nope) — That instrument is known as a “saz” and, no, it will not get you laid.
San Marino (yup) — Ecstasy dealer vibes and Casio demo dance grooves—classic Eurovision!
Albania (yup) I would never listen to this of my own free will, but it was dramatic and well-staged. And I like it when a song has a stylistic nod to it’s country’s musical heritage. Stopping short of a fucking saz solo, to be clear.
The Netherlands (yup) — In my humble opinion, this song should have stayed nether.
Croatia (nope) — Poor kid. His aggressive theater kid energy can not overcome that the title of his song is “Poison Cake”.
Switzerland (2024 winner) — This is sweet, but lacking in both explosions and undulation. Switzerland clearly has no interest in hosting again in 2026!
Cyprus (nope) — Shout out to our pal, the Vitruvian Man.
Australia (nope) — Milkshake Man wuz robbed! Yeah, this is another joke song, but it’s delivered with enthusiasm and panache. Probably doesn’t help that the Australia kinda sorta strains the definition of “Euro”. Justice for the Milkshake Man!
Montenegro (nope) — When I was in junior high, I also had a duvet that was stiff like that.
Ireland (nope) — Sure, this sounds like bargain bin Dance Dance Revolution. But come on, it’s not as if Ireland has a rich musical heritage from which to draw inspiration!
Latvia (yup) — Wood nymph disco! Dig it. This full performance was easily my favorite of the whole bunch. Cool harmonies, cool visuals. Positively Bjork-y!
Armenia (yup) — Jamiroquai wants his treadmill back. Again, I don’t understand these voters.
Austria (yup) — Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
United Kingdom (big five) — Why do we need tariffs when America is already exporting its shittiest musical trends?
Greece (yup) — Nice glasses, NERD. No seriously, they’re kind of cool. Cool enough to get you through to the finale, I guess.
Lithuania (yup) — “Guys, our leaden alt-rock isn’t joyless enough. How about we dress like we’re prisoners in a dystopian YA novel?” No way this gets through if there’s literally even one other rock band in the competition.
Malta (yup) — …Aaaaand here’s the clip they’ll show on Fox News.
Georgia (nope) — Crap song, but this lady has pipes. The online chatter is that she’s a Putin shill, so no shocker she didn’t make the cut
France (big five) — A fine performance, overshadowed by the unfortunate choice to make the singer appear as if she has explosive diarrhea.
Denmark (yup) — Every Eurovision has 8-12 songs exactly like this. Fine. Whatever.
The Czech Republic (nope) — This gentleman is telling us goodbye and it appears voters took him at face value. Way to tempt fate, buddy!
Luxembourg (yup) — Dear god, am I still watching this horseshit?
Israel (yup) — Shout out to Swarovski.
Germany (big five) — That glowing “Space Cello” definitely adds a lot. People in the YouTube comments seemed to be going nuts for this one, which…okay, I guess?
Serbia (nope) — “What about dragging me across the stage like a singing corpse? Anyone tried that yet?” Also, are we sure this isn’t Joey Fatone Jr.?
Finland (yup) — Absolutely stupid Jim Steinman maximalism and I’m fully onboard. Worth watching the entire performance, just to see this Epcot Center dominatrix carried aloft on a giant mic stand. My pick to win it all.
Sound off if you made it this far!
And with that, an abrupt dismount. I need to wash off the Eurostink and maybe make an appointment with my ex-therapist.
See you in a couple weeks! Don’t forget to share this with a thousand of your best online friends.
As always, I thank you for your support.
I've been on board with Suzanne Vega since I first heard "Marlene on the Wall" on my college radio station. This new stuff is no exception. I kept listening after "Alley." "Witch" is a real banger.
Bravo. This is an informative and action-packed NMFO newsletter. Thanks for it! Love the pic from the Aussie comedy tour too.