NEW MUSIC FOR OLDS #50
Introducing: Fictional Band Madness!
Welcome to our first Friday edition of New Music for Olds. Hoo-boy are you in for it. Who’s the luckiest reader? Who’s the luckiest reader?
I’m busy the next six Wednesdays, so Friday at 1pm will be our temporary digs. Or permanent? If you have strong opinions, sound off!
And now, prepare yourself for:
A stern message from your subconscious.
Adult music for adult ears
Underwater sci-fi
The joys of bracketeering
Finally, warm up your clicking thumb, because you’ve got poll questions headed your way!
But first, music.
GOOD STUFF
Once again, a Glossary of Terms.
Finnogun’s Wake, “Blue Skies”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: Blue Skies (single)
Nutshell: Energetic alt rock
Voltage: 7
Thoughts: Despite this Aussie duo mangling my surname, I’m taken with this ragged anthem. “Blue Skies” was apparently inspired by the passing of a close friend, and that diffuse angst comes through in spades. There’s a phenomenon that occurs when you’re on the back nine of a grief cycle—be it a death, or a career failure, or even a breakup. You’re not yet “back to normal”, but you’re desperate to climb out of the muck. You want to trash shit, you want to pull out your hair, you want to tear off your clothes and run naked through a rainstorm. It’s your subconscious shouting “ENOUGH!” and it’s why rock music exists.
Pairing Suggestion: Personal demolition
Tyler Ramsey, “These Ghosts”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: New Lost Ages
Nutshell: Indie singer-songwriter
Voltage: 5
Thoughts: I hadn’t planned it this way, but this offering from former Band of Horses multi-instrumentalist Tyler Ramsey feels like the natural comedown from the previous tune. If “Blue Skies” is your psyche shaking shit up, this is what’s further down the road—”acceptance”, if you will. Beyond that, “These Ghosts” is balanced recording that showcases Ramsey’s guile-free tenor. Stylistically, Ramsey feels like he’s in the same ballpark as Father John Misty, minus the ironic detachment. New Lost Ages is adult music for adult ears.
Pairing Suggestion: Rolling down the window on the first warm day in March
Plantoid, “Insomniac (Don’t Worry)”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: Terrapath
Nutshell: Jazzy prog rock
Voltage: 7
Thoughts: Fear not, the music of Plantoid has nothing to do with grief cycles or hard-fought wisdom or any such earthbound concerns. Combining psychedelic prog rock with jazz-fusion, Plantoid feels like the musical equivalent of science-fiction “world building”, but with a light touch. Each song feels like a visit to some fictional planet from an early Vonnegut novel. Terrapath is a meal of an album, and I had a difficult time deciding which song to highlight, so I went with one of the more straightforward tunes. Also, I dig whatever effect makes the lead guitar sound like it was recorded underwater. Plantoid will take you places.
Pairing Suggestion: Evading the rogue AI program in your secret lair at the base of the Mariana Trench
Behold, the wisdom of the crowd:
Psssssst: I may also love one of Beyoncé’s new country songs. Need a bit more time to know for sure.
May I address any further concerns?
SOME BULLSHIT
Remember a couple weeks ago, when I wrote about fictional bands and whether I’d have owned their music? I was planning to continue in that same vein, but madness struck and I’ve opted for something bolder.
As I’ve mentioned now and again, I’m a rather obsessive NBA fan. But for whatever reason, I don’t give two wet shits about the NCAA. Maybe it’s because my alma mater isn’t exactly a perennial threat to make the Final Four.
That said, I acknowledge March Madness as a singular cultural event. The sheer number of games that first weekend is giddily overwhelming. And who doesn’t love a good bracket? I fill one out every year, despite knowing diddly about the teams/players. My annual $1000 bet on Bob Jones University is gonna pay off one day, just you watch.
There’s no reason overenthusiastic college students (and their aging counterparts) should get the joy of bracketeering all to themselves, so with March right around the corner, I give you…
NMFO FICTIONAL BAND MADNESS
Over the next few newsletters, you will be given the power — nay, the responsibility — of identifying the greatest fictional band in Film & Television history. If this feels a bit weighty, I encourage you to lighten the load by sharing this post, thereby increasing the voting pool!
Regarding my seeding methodology:
THE SMALL PRINT (in convenient regular-sized print)
Just bands, no solo acts.
In the interest of a fair fight, I’m leaving out The Monkees. They were a real band far longer than they were a fake one.
No bands performing pre-existing music (The Blues Brothers) or actual bands given fictional names (L7 as “Camel Toe” in Serial Mom).
One band per entity. For example, School of Rock will be represented by Jack Black and the schoolkids. Therefore, I can’t include the “bad guy” band, No Vacancy. This is a shame, given that I have thoughts on Weird Torso Guy (who’s now a Republican district attorney??).
Of COURSE I was jealous, but also ew I’ve broken the aspirants into four slightly fuzzy “divisions”:
FILM (COMEDY)
FILM (DRAMA)
TELEVISION — Both comedy and drama
CARTOON/PARODY — Animated bands, puppets and also bands that parody specific artists (The Rutles) or genres (Dewey Cox). A bit clunky, but it’s the only way I could make the numbers work.
Seeding is ordered from most well-known to most obscure.
Vote with your heart, seed be damned!
Without further ado, here’s our first batch of sixteen. Oh wait, one more thing:
No, I will not include Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes, you fucking nerds.
Division: FILM (COMEDY)
The Vegas Buzz: I expect the erstwhile Oneders to handle business here. Tapeheads fans (yes, all three of us): Based on the all-important “actual band” clause (see Clause #2), The Swanky Modes do not qualify. Take it up with legal. These weirdos will have to suffice.
The Vegas Buzz: It’s Jack Black in the role we all know and love versus Rainn Wilson in the role that kinda sorta seems like that same role! This unfair cheapshot is brought to you by a guy who’s never actually seen The Rocker!
The Vegas Buzz: Did you know that Elder Millennials recently passed a law making it illegal to dislike Josie and the Pussycats? It’s true! As for their opponent, the movie Yes Man is a fine opportunity to revisit Zoey Deschanel’s original face.
The Vegas Buzz: I expect Sex Bob-Omb to take this one in a walk. But if you grew up listening to heavy music, Metal Lords is worth 90 minutes of your time. It’s hardly a masterpiece, but the secondary lead actor nicely captures the “angry suburban metalhead” spirit.
The Vegas Buzz: Sure, Bill & Ted may feature Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter, two of the nicest, most well-loved men in Hollywood. But keep in mind, Get Him to the Greek has Russell Brand! This one’s a real humdinger…
The Vegas Buzz: Yes, I know Lamar’s rap by heart and yes, I will perform it for anyone willing to Venmo me $501. Airheads was mostly forgettable, but I’ll always appreciate the Dave vs. Eddie litmus test.
The Vegas Buzz: A Mighty Wind is clearly parody, but if “A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow” doesn’t make your throat a little tight, you’re a goddamn hunk of wood. Frank is a bit of a muddle, but the band’s jam session interplay feels as natural as I’ve seen on film. I understand that “natural” is an odd way to describe an Art Rock band whose lead singer wears a giant fiberglass head.
The Vegas Buzz: I’ll admit, I have a Hugh Grant thing. It’s not sexual—I just want to wear his flesh. Meanwhile, you’d think a Big Lebowski connection would get you higher than a 9-seed, but I’m not sure we ever actually get to hear the Nihilists’ music. LOOKS LIKE YA FUCKED UP, COEN BROS!
Alright, our opening round is in the books. Glaring omissions? Counter-narratives? Bones begging to be picked?
Paid subscribers, see you next week. The rest of you, we will continue this in a fortnight!
Times are tough, man
That Finnogun's Wake song is pretty awesome in it's Husker-Duiness. And they play only a few kilometres from my house, so thanks for the tip!
I voted for Plantoid, but that blurb about Finnogun's Wake is one of the best things you've ever done.
Also, I had no idea there even was a schedule for this thing until you ruined it.