NEW MUSIC FOR OLDS #74
One persuasive Finn's rather particular kink
Hello and welcome back to NEW MUSIC FOR OLDS, a newsletter that you signed up for. Remember, you chose this.
Just give me a minute to rouse my joie de vivre and we can get to work.
In today’s super-stuffed edition of NMFO:
Etsy pop!
Intervention-worthy sludge!
A veritable squonkfest!
A discombobulating mixture!
Keening!
The biggest fire retardancy-based metal act in Finland!
And, fun with silly band names
And now, music.
GOOD STUFF
The eternal Glossary of Terms.
The Weather Station, “Neon Signs”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: Humanhood
Nutshell: Folk pop
Voltage: 4
Thoughts: The Weather Station is Toronto songwriter Tamara Lindeman and a shifting set of collaborators. You won’t find anything resembling a jagged edge on a Weather Station album—everything goes down nice and easy. “Neon Signs” reminds me of The War on Drugs, if fronted by a local artisan selling blown-glass sculptures on Etsy. That airiness can make Lindeman’s work easier to admire than adore, but this tune (gently) scratches an itch. It’s the sound of flitting back to the arms of a lover.
Pairing Suggestion: Driving all night (to get to you)
Dax Riggs, “deceiver”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: 7 Songs for Spiders
Nutshell: Laidback stoner rock
Voltage: 7
Thoughts: The first song of 2025 to mercilessly stick in my head. Prior to last week, I knew diddly-squat about Dax Riggs, but he’s apparently a cult hero amongst doom metal fans, having fronted bands such as Acid Bath and Agents of Oblivion. Never heard of ‘em? Me neither! And don’t be put off by “doom metal”. It’s actually much more user-friendly than the various other metal offshoots—it implies slow tempos, “clean” vocals and a heavy dose of sludge. Even by those standards, “deceiver” is downright mellow. This is what it sounds like to be so whacked out of your gourd, you can barely stand upright.
Pairing Suggestion: Leaving an intervention-worthy 3am voicemail.
Ela Minus, “UPWARDS”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: DÍA
Nutshell: Weirdo electro-pop
Voltage: 6
Thoughts: Bloops and bleeps galore! Unlike many electronic artists, Bogota’s Ela Minus isn’t just hitting play on a laptop. Her music is created and performed on a homemade rig of vintage synthesizers and effects pedals. This gives her work a vibrant retro-futuristic quality—it almost sounds “live”, dare I say. “UPWARDS” feels like a mix of early Bjork and that Krautrock cover of “Money (That’s What I Want)” that has popped up in a dozen commercials over the years. More than anything, it’s fun. I’ll always be a guitar/bass/drums guy at heart, but if you’re going to give me “robot music”, I want as many squeaks and squonks as my ears can handle.
Pairing Suggestion: Working up an analog robo-sweat
CKRAFT, “Uncommon Grounds”
Listen on Apple Music // Listen on Amazon Music
Album: Uncommon Grounds
Nutshell: Instrumental jazz-metal fusion
Voltage: 9
Thoughts: I’m including this song (piece?) with the full understanding that you won’t like it. I’m not even 100% sure I like it! But it’s very interesting and sometimes that’s enough. This French quintet isn’t the first to marry metal and brass instrumentation—if you’ve spent any time listening to Mr. Bungle or any of John Zorn’s more abrasive incarnations, you’re halfway to this band making sense. Still, it’s an odd and occasionally discombobulating mix. At times, it sounds like two opposing musical ensembles competing for your attention. But it maintains an internal logic and there are moments when it congeals into something genuinely arresting.
Pairing Suggestion: Coming up with a disgusting food combination that kinda sorta works?
So, has the jury reached a verdict?
And what else do you have to say for yourself? Don’t be shy.
SOME BULLSHIT
Never has a subheading felt so appropriate.
As ever, I’m aware that no one reads (skims?) NMFO for sociopolitical commentary. And even if I wanted to engage in such punditry, the result would likely be nothing more than a long, mournful moan.
Eventually I’ll need to re-engage with the world—we all will. But in the short term, I’ve been re-bingeing “Mad Men” (Spoiler alert: It’s still great), obsessing over Knicks-related minutia (Jalen Brunson is averaging 28.9 points in the month of January), most recently, immersing myself in the vibrant Helsinki metal scene.
I have no idea how I ended up on the YouTube page of Fire Action, Finland’s premier temperature-based rock ensemble, but it’s an entertaining way to waste a bit of time. As you can see from the logo, Fire Action is all about flame retardancy. Most of the band’s videos and and promo photos involve them performing (stiffly) in front of vintage firetrucks. The lyrics are are adorably ESL, and there is usually a random “babe” milling about in the background.
This video is delightful for any number of reasons, not the least of which is the singer’s striking resemblance to Bobby from “Kids in the Hall”.
Alas, “Bobby” would prove to be the first of three Fire Action frontmen. Because sure, that’s definitely what’s been holding these guys back. The latest singer looks like he was roused from his nap in a fish market dumpster.
Look, far be it from me to opine on how best to market hair metal in the Year of our Lorb 2025. But fellas, this ain’t it. I get that, as a general concept, ‘fire’ is extremely metal—to say nothing of fighting! And with what’s going on in California, the bravery of firefighters has never been less in dispute. But mean-mugging in front of a vintage firetruck does not scream “bad-ass”. Rather, you look like you’re on a school field trip or posing in front of an FAO Schwartz Christmas window display. Far as I can tell, the guitarist is the only original member, so I assume he’s keeper of the flame. It almost makes you wonder if the whole thing was inspired by one persuasive Finn’s rather particular kink.
A fun game…
Whilst researching Fire Action, I found myself on the Enclyclopaedia Metallum, a global archive of heavy metal bands large and small. God bless the junior high school shop teacher who spends his free time keeping this thing up to date. Can’t imagine there’s much money in making sure Finland is fully accounted for in the annals of hair metal’s extended death throes.
A fun thing to do is to enter random curse words into the Encylopaedia’s search bar. For example, searching the word “ass” will direct you to musical luminaries such as Asschapel, Necro Cannibal Ass Grinder and the somewhat redundant Anal Ass. “Shit” will give you Diarrhetic Shark Shit and Shitgripper. Even “smegma” has multiple entries in the good Encyclopaedia.
After running through all the dirty words I could think of, I moved on to the profane. Amongst the many, many bands to reference Jesus, I’m pretty sure my fave is WWJD? (Why Won’t Jesus Die?)
Finally, I spent some time isolating words that yield zero results. For the record, there are no documented heavy metal bands that contain any of the following words:
Cucumber
Plaid
Sherbet
Ticklish
Friendly
I think the most surprising zero-resulter was “birthday”. Clearly, Birthdays are not metal. But you’d think, at some point, a few suburban dweebs would have dubbed themselves Lucifer’s Birthday or some shit. There are also no heavy metal bands that employ what I believe to be the single most depressing word in the English language: Dialysis.
Whoa, did I just out-sad heavy metal?
Can you think of a more surprising word that yields zero results?
Okay, we’re all done here. Go wash up for dinner. Meet you back here in two weeks!
You didn't mention that CKRAFT, in addition to brass, has an ACCORDION player. I'm instantly in. Sold.
Thank you so much for that metal encyclopedia. Looking forward to grooving to 666 Shades of Shit and Angelic Assblast. (But only if they have accordions.)
Oh dang, I needed some laughs and this issues is littered with them. I'm definitely employing Shitgripper in text messages going forward. And the Encyclopaedia will sit at the head of the table at our next family dinner. Just have gramma type in COCK and let the fun begin!